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Sexless Marriage will Affect Your Mental Health
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By Adeoye Oyewole (adeoyewole2000@yahoo.com)
For most married couples, the bedroom is a place of privacy and sexual intimacy. But many who have been married for a while know that this is often not the case.
Sometimes and for a long period, the bedroom can become a lonely place. To be clear, a sexless marriage is a marital union in which little or no sexual activity occurs between both spouses. A Newsweek magazine survey found that 15 to 20 per cent of couples are in a sexless union.
Studies have even showed that about 10 per cent of couples below the age of 50 have not had sex in a year. The definition is often broadened to include those where sexual intimacy occurs less than 10 times per year.
In addition, less than 20 per cent of them report having sex a few times per year, or even monthly, under the age 40. This definition takes into consideration the fact that partners may have varying sexual drives, but not as bad as having sex only 10 times in a year.
It is difficult to obtain statistics about couples in Nigeria, but sexless marriages may be common among our modern, educated couples. Our religious and socio-cultural values that accommodate polygamy and forbid divorce may mask research findings and inadvertently encourage marriages, even if it is sexless.
If you are in this category, there is no shame. What you need is help before it begins to affect your mental health.
The major causes of sexless marriages are psychological, but a few are understandably due to some biological and clinical situations that could be handled medically, such as vulvae pain syndromes, fragile vagina tissues from low levels of oestrogen, prostate difficulties in men, post-heart attack or stroke states, chronic arthritis, chronic low back pain, side effects of medications and diabetic complications.
There are also clinical psychological states such as depressive illness, chronic fatigue syndrome, hypoactive sexual drive, gender identity problems or body image difficulties. However, more than 90 per cent of the causes of sexless marriages are due to issues in the psychodynamics of the marital relationship.
A partner may have feelings hurt repeatedly, get turned down too many times, get disrespected and erect a wall that does not allow issues to be resolved promptly. These unresolved conflicts can generate a state of permanent hostility that blocks sexual expression.
The partner, who behaves in a passive-aggressive manner, may block sexual intercourse as punishment or protection from hurt inflicted by the mate. The perceived rejection may lead to loss of interest in sexual communication, which may be complicated by loneliness, anger and lowering of self-esteem in the spouse who feels that basic sexual human needs are deliberately frustrated by the rejecting partner.
Other causes of this resentment may be due to perceived imbalance of duties and responsibilities, including moral, religious and financial issues. This may get complicated when extra-marital affairs set in, which may lead to reduced sexual interest in the estranged spouse and, if the affair is discovered, the innocent spouse may cease to want to be intimate with the offending spouse.
This may manifest as restricted, formal and coarse communication as partners treat each other with contempt. Couples in this situation are definitely in mental distress or already mentally ill, hence they require professional help.
Those deeper feelings of resentment must be uncovered and dealt with as they practise active listening and try to communicate creatively in the process of discovery. You may think you have a right to be resentful of the way you have been treated, and while it might seem natural, resentment creeps into everything you do.
Every time you talk to your spouse, every action you take can be so tainted with this resentment that it becomes a psychological burden. The path to recovery is that you make a conscious effort to do everything for the benefit of both of you, and not just yourself. You must be honest and, without hatred or fear or anger, confront the problem of sexual intimacy together.
The bedroom should be a peaceful and relaxing place by keeping it free of clutter. To bring the spark back, you can go on dates, do fun things together, especially things that ignite mutual passion and excitement.
There is a need for the services of a professional marriage counselor, who will help couples to navigate and elicit hidden resentments and resolve. Such a counsellor will also help to identity faculty communication styles that may have shut down sexual intimacy and suggest new patterns and also appropriately refer those with mental health issues.
A successful marriage requires commitment, effort, compromise and forgiveness. Sexless marriage can impair wholesome development of children in the home because of discordance in communication. In addition, less than 20 per cent of them report having sex a few times per year, or even monthly, under the age 40.
The facility of education and financial empowerment of our modern wives may serve as templates for more conflicts leading to ego-stalemates that may injure sexual intimacy. Our relatively lower rates of divorce, even among our educated couples, compared with the western world, may find compensation in sexless marriages as a manifestation of emotional divorce.
The African Democratic Congress (ADC) presidential candidate, Atiku Abubakar, has pledged to restore fuel subsidy, improve security and create employment if elected president in 2027.
Atiku made the pledge on Thursday during a campaign rally in Kebbi State, where he called on voters to support the ADC, describing it as the only party committed to addressing the three issues.
“The people of Kebbi State, let me ask you a few questions. Do you want the return of subsidy? Do you want security? Do you want employment? Therefore you have no option other than the ADC. ADC is the only political party that is committed to these three objectives and more to bring about prosperity, unity and peace to the people of our country,” he said.
The former Vice President and his running mate also criticised some projects being presented as achievements of the President Bola Tinubu administration, describing them as legacies of the late President Muhammadu Buhari.
Supporters of the ADC gathered at the party’s secretariat in Birnin Kebbi to welcome Atiku and other party chieftains ahead of the rally.
Speaking at the event, the Director-General of the ADC Presidential Campaign Council, Senator Austin Akobundu, commended party faithful for what he described as their resistance to intimidation by the state government.
Akobundu said the 2027 general elections would be a referendum between suffering Nigerians and the Federal Government under President Tinubu.
The ADC National Chairman, in his remarks, described the party as a moving train that no amount of intimidation could stop.
He called on the people of Kebbi State to vote for Atiku as president, Abubakar Malami as governor and other ADC candidates in the 2027 general elections.
The rally ended with the ADC National Chairman formally presenting the party’s flag to Malami as the party’s governorship candidate for the 2027 election.
The campaign in Kebbi came hours after a Federal High Court in Abuja nullified the leadership of the Senator David Mark-led ADC and voided the actions taken by the party’s executives, including the process that produced Atiku as its presidential candidate.
Justice Peter Lifu delivered the judgment in a suit filed by Nafiu Bala Gombe, a former National Deputy Chairman of the party, who challenged the emergence of the Mark-led leadership.
Atiku rejected the ruling, describing it as an attempt to weaken his political support and frustrate his campaign. He said he would challenge the judgment at the Court of Appeal.
The ADC also rejected the decision, accusing the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC) of attempting to cripple the opposition and vowing to challenge the judgment through all available judicial processes.
The Presidential Candidate of the African Democratic Congress (ADC), Atiku Abubakar, has condemned Thursday’s court judgment purporting to remove Senator David Mark’s leadership of the party, describing it as a calculated attempt to weaken the ADC and frustrate his candidacy.
In a statement issued by Phrank Shaibu, Director of Strategic Communication of the ADC Presidential Campaign Council, Atiku said the timing of the judgment was telling. It came barely a day after a mammoth crowd turned out in Sokoto to welcome him and attend the launch of the ADC campaign.
“The people of Sokoto came out in their thousands because they are hungry for change and believe in our promise to make life affordable again. What we witnessed in Sokoto is only the beginning. The people of Kebbi will have their say, and so will Nigerians across the country as our campaign moves forward.
“My roots are in Northern Nigeria, but my candidacy belongs to all Nigerians. There is a difference between being from the North and being a candidate only for the North. Hunger and hardship do not respect regional boundaries. Nigerians across the country are suffering under this government, and they deserve a leader with a credible plan to make life affordable again.
“The timing of this judgment is no coincidence. It is part of a strategy to weaken my support in the North and frustrate a campaign whose message is resonating across the country. But the ruling party’s greatest miscalculation is to assume that my support ends in the North. What we saw in Sokoto, what we will see in Kebbi and across the country, is the strength of a national movement.”
Atiku said the judgment also raises serious legal concerns.
“Justice Musa Liman of the same Federal High Court had already dismissed the challenge to the David Mark-led leadership in Suit No. FHC/ABJ/CS/1637/2025. The court upheld the defendants’ objections on jurisdiction, standing and the failure to exhaust internal party remedies, and resolved the substantive issues in their favour. Why, after that judgment, was another case filed to reopen the same dispute? This is a calculated attempt to circumvent a subsisting judgment. We will challenge this judicial manoeuvre at the Court of Appeal.”
Atiku urged ADC supporters to remain calm and law-abiding and not to let the judgment weaken the momentum generated in Sokoto. The campaign train is already in Kebbi and will continue across the country.
“Our journey to rescue Nigeria from the hardship imposed by the APC government is a long one. Our Affordable Life campaign will continue because Nigerians deserve relief from this crushing cost-of-living crisis. We urge our supporters to remain resolute, take our message from house to house and door to door, and stay peaceful and focused. There is no shaking.”
President Bola Tinubu has requested the Senate to approve the implementation of an external borrowing plan of $7.7 billion.
At an exchange rate of N1,400 to the dollar, the money amounts to about N10.79 trillion
The President said the funds are to part-finance the N20.2 trillion budget deficit.
The new request, according to the Senate President, replaces the $20.52 billion loan request presented last week.
The request has been referred to the Committee on Local and Foreign Debts for further legislative action.
