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Sexless Marriage will Affect Your Mental Health

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By Adeoye Oyewole (adeoyewole2000@yahoo.com)

For most married couples, the bedroom is a place of privacy and sexual intimacy. But many who have been married for a while know that this is often not the case.

Sometimes and for a long period, the bedroom can become a lonely place. To be clear, a sexless marriage is a marital union in which little or no sexual activity occurs between both spouses. A Newsweek magazine survey found that 15 to 20 per cent of couples are in a sexless union.

Studies have even showed that about 10 per cent of couples below the age of 50 have not had sex in a year. The definition is often broadened to include those where sexual intimacy occurs less than 10 times per year.

In addition, less than 20 per cent of them report having sex a few times per year, or even monthly, under the age 40. This definition takes into consideration the fact that partners may have varying sexual drives, but not as bad as having sex only 10 times in a year.

It is difficult to obtain statistics about couples in Nigeria, but sexless marriages may be common among our modern, educated couples. Our religious and socio-cultural values that accommodate polygamy and forbid divorce may mask research findings and inadvertently encourage marriages, even if it is sexless.

If you are in this category, there is no shame. What you need is help before it begins to affect your mental health.

The major causes of sexless marriages are psychological, but a few are understandably due to some biological and clinical situations that could be handled medically, such as vulvae pain syndromes, fragile vagina tissues from low levels of oestrogen, prostate difficulties in men, post-heart attack or stroke states, chronic arthritis, chronic low back pain, side effects of medications and diabetic complications.

There are also clinical psychological states such as depressive illness, chronic fatigue syndrome, hypoactive sexual drive, gender identity problems or body image difficulties. However, more than 90 per cent of the causes of sexless marriages are due to issues in the psychodynamics of the marital relationship.

A partner may have feelings hurt repeatedly, get turned down too many times, get disrespected and erect a wall that does not allow issues to be resolved promptly. These unresolved conflicts can generate a state of permanent hostility that blocks sexual expression.

The partner, who behaves in a passive-aggressive manner, may block sexual intercourse as punishment or protection from hurt inflicted by the mate. The perceived rejection may lead to loss of interest in sexual communication, which may be complicated by loneliness, anger and lowering of self-esteem in the spouse who feels that basic sexual human needs are deliberately frustrated by the rejecting partner.

Other causes of this resentment may be due to perceived imbalance of duties and responsibilities, including moral, religious and financial issues. This may get complicated when extra-marital affairs set in, which may lead to reduced sexual interest in the estranged spouse and, if the affair is discovered, the innocent spouse may cease to want to be intimate with the offending spouse.

This may manifest as restricted, formal and coarse communication as partners treat each other with contempt. Couples in this situation are definitely in mental distress or already mentally ill, hence they require professional help.

Those deeper feelings of resentment must be uncovered and dealt with as they practise active listening and try to communicate creatively in the process of discovery. You may think you have a right to be resentful of the way you have been treated, and while it might seem natural, resentment creeps into everything you do.

Every time you talk to your spouse, every action you take can be so tainted with this resentment that it becomes a psychological burden. The path to recovery is that you make a conscious effort to do everything for the benefit of both of you, and not just yourself. You must be honest and, without hatred or fear or anger, confront the problem of sexual intimacy together.

The bedroom should be a peaceful and relaxing place by keeping it free of clutter. To bring the spark back, you can go on dates, do fun things together, especially things that ignite mutual passion and excitement.

There is a need for the services of a professional marriage counselor, who will help couples to navigate and elicit hidden resentments and resolve. Such a counsellor will also help to identity faculty communication styles that may have shut down sexual intimacy and suggest new patterns and also appropriately refer those with mental health issues.

A successful marriage requires commitment, effort, compromise and forgiveness. Sexless marriage can impair wholesome development of children in the home because of discordance in communication. In addition, less than 20 per cent of them report having sex a few times per year, or even monthly, under the age 40.

The facility of education and financial empowerment of our modern wives may serve as templates for more conflicts leading to ego-stalemates that may injure sexual intimacy. Our relatively lower rates of divorce, even among our educated couples, compared with the western world, may find compensation in sexless marriages as a manifestation of emotional divorce.

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Shettima’s Comments Misrepresented, Says Presidency

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The Presidency has dismissed claims that Vice President Kashim Shettima’s recent comments were directed at the political situation in Rivers State or President Bola Ahmed Tinubu’s constitutional decisions on the matter.

In a statement on Friday by the Senior Special Assistant to the President on Media and Communications (Office of the Vice President), Stanley Nkwocha, the Presidency described the reports as a “gross misrepresentation.”

The statement clarified that Vice President Shettima’s remarks at the public presentation of a book by former Attorney General of the Federation, Mohammed Bello Adoke (SAN), were misconstrued by some online platforms and individuals.

“These reports have distorted the Vice President’s comments in pursuit of a mischievous agenda,” it stated.

“They twisted his account of how the administration of former President Jonathan considered removing him as Borno Governor during the insurgency to falsely link it with current events in Rivers State.”

The Vice President, who spoke at the launch of OPL 245: The Inside Story of the $1.3 Billion Oil Block in Abuja on Thursday, was said to have referenced the past solely to commend Adoke’s professionalism while in office, and to reflect on Nigeria’s constitutional evolution regarding federal and state relations.

“For the avoidance of doubt, President Tinubu did not remove Governor Fubara from office. The constitutional measure implemented was a suspension, not an outright removal.

“This action was taken in response to the grave political crisis in Rivers State at the time, with the governor facing a looming impeachment and the State Assembly complex under demolition,” Nkwocha clarified.

The Presidency insisted that the action taken by President Tinubu in declaring a state of emergency and suspending the Governor was fully in line with Section 305 of the 1999 Constitution (as amended), which authorises such measures when there is a breakdown of public order requiring extraordinary intervention.

According to the statement, the President’s proclamation invoking Section 305(2) was subsequently ratified by an overwhelming bipartisan majority in the National Assembly, confirming the legitimacy and constitutional propriety of the decision.

“The action of President Tinubu in suspending Mr. Fubara and others from exercising the functions of office averted the governor’s outright removal. To conflate suspension with removal is misleading,” the statement further noted.

Nkwocha also stressed that Vice President Shettima’s comments were delivered extemporaneously and intended to underline the importance of public accountability and historical documentation.

He referenced the Vice President’s mention of past public servants, including Adoke and former Speaker Aminu Waziri Tambuwal, to illustrate principled leadership.

“His remarks were not in any way a criticism of President Tinubu’s actions, which the Vice President and the entire administration fully support and stand by without reservation,” the spokesman stated.

The Vice President, the statement added, remains in “loyal concert” with President Tinubu and is committed to implementing all constitutional measures necessary to safeguard democracy and uphold order across the country.

Concluding, the Presidency called on media organisations and political actors to desist from misrepresenting public remarks for sensational or partisan purposes.

“We urge media organisations and political actors to desist from the destructive practice of wrenching statements from context in order to fabricate nonexistent conflicts,” Nkwocha said.

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Akpabio Relieves Natasha of Committee Chairmanship Position, Appoints Akwa Ibom Senator As Replacement

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Senate President, Godswill Akpabio, has replaced suspended Senator Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan, as the Chairman, Senate Committee on Diaspora/Non-Governmental Organisations.

In her place, Akpabio named Senator Bassey Aniekun Etim (Akwa Ibom -East).

The Senate President, who made the announcement on the floor in Abuja on Thursday, did not give any reasons.

The committee position had remained vacant since March when the Senate suspended the Kogi-Central Senatorial District lawmaker for six months for flouting the Senate’s rule on the seating arrangement and seat allocation.

The suspended lawmaker, at a point, chaired the Senate Committee on Local Content before Akpabio reassigned her to the Committee on Diaspora/NGO, shortly before she ran into trouble with the Senate over her conduct on seat allocation.

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Supreme Court Upholds Election of Monday Okpebholo As Edo Governor

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The Supreme Court has affirmed the 2024 governorship election victory of Governor Monday Okpebholo of the All Progressives Congress (APC), dismissing the appeal filed by the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) candidate, Asuerinme Ighodalo.

In a unanimous decision by a five-member panel led by Justice Mohammed Garba, the apex court ruled that the appeal lacked merit. It upheld the earlier judgments of the Court of Appeal and the Edo State Governorship Election Petition Tribunal, which had both declared Okpebholo the validly elected governor.

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