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Sexless Marriage will Affect Your Mental Health

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By Adeoye Oyewole (adeoyewole2000@yahoo.com)

For most married couples, the bedroom is a place of privacy and sexual intimacy. But many who have been married for a while know that this is often not the case.

Sometimes and for a long period, the bedroom can become a lonely place. To be clear, a sexless marriage is a marital union in which little or no sexual activity occurs between both spouses. A Newsweek magazine survey found that 15 to 20 per cent of couples are in a sexless union.

Studies have even showed that about 10 per cent of couples below the age of 50 have not had sex in a year. The definition is often broadened to include those where sexual intimacy occurs less than 10 times per year.

In addition, less than 20 per cent of them report having sex a few times per year, or even monthly, under the age 40. This definition takes into consideration the fact that partners may have varying sexual drives, but not as bad as having sex only 10 times in a year.

It is difficult to obtain statistics about couples in Nigeria, but sexless marriages may be common among our modern, educated couples. Our religious and socio-cultural values that accommodate polygamy and forbid divorce may mask research findings and inadvertently encourage marriages, even if it is sexless.

If you are in this category, there is no shame. What you need is help before it begins to affect your mental health.

The major causes of sexless marriages are psychological, but a few are understandably due to some biological and clinical situations that could be handled medically, such as vulvae pain syndromes, fragile vagina tissues from low levels of oestrogen, prostate difficulties in men, post-heart attack or stroke states, chronic arthritis, chronic low back pain, side effects of medications and diabetic complications.

There are also clinical psychological states such as depressive illness, chronic fatigue syndrome, hypoactive sexual drive, gender identity problems or body image difficulties. However, more than 90 per cent of the causes of sexless marriages are due to issues in the psychodynamics of the marital relationship.

A partner may have feelings hurt repeatedly, get turned down too many times, get disrespected and erect a wall that does not allow issues to be resolved promptly. These unresolved conflicts can generate a state of permanent hostility that blocks sexual expression.

The partner, who behaves in a passive-aggressive manner, may block sexual intercourse as punishment or protection from hurt inflicted by the mate. The perceived rejection may lead to loss of interest in sexual communication, which may be complicated by loneliness, anger and lowering of self-esteem in the spouse who feels that basic sexual human needs are deliberately frustrated by the rejecting partner.

Other causes of this resentment may be due to perceived imbalance of duties and responsibilities, including moral, religious and financial issues. This may get complicated when extra-marital affairs set in, which may lead to reduced sexual interest in the estranged spouse and, if the affair is discovered, the innocent spouse may cease to want to be intimate with the offending spouse.

This may manifest as restricted, formal and coarse communication as partners treat each other with contempt. Couples in this situation are definitely in mental distress or already mentally ill, hence they require professional help.

Those deeper feelings of resentment must be uncovered and dealt with as they practise active listening and try to communicate creatively in the process of discovery. You may think you have a right to be resentful of the way you have been treated, and while it might seem natural, resentment creeps into everything you do.

Every time you talk to your spouse, every action you take can be so tainted with this resentment that it becomes a psychological burden. The path to recovery is that you make a conscious effort to do everything for the benefit of both of you, and not just yourself. You must be honest and, without hatred or fear or anger, confront the problem of sexual intimacy together.

The bedroom should be a peaceful and relaxing place by keeping it free of clutter. To bring the spark back, you can go on dates, do fun things together, especially things that ignite mutual passion and excitement.

There is a need for the services of a professional marriage counselor, who will help couples to navigate and elicit hidden resentments and resolve. Such a counsellor will also help to identity faculty communication styles that may have shut down sexual intimacy and suggest new patterns and also appropriately refer those with mental health issues.

A successful marriage requires commitment, effort, compromise and forgiveness. Sexless marriage can impair wholesome development of children in the home because of discordance in communication. In addition, less than 20 per cent of them report having sex a few times per year, or even monthly, under the age 40.

The facility of education and financial empowerment of our modern wives may serve as templates for more conflicts leading to ego-stalemates that may injure sexual intimacy. Our relatively lower rates of divorce, even among our educated couples, compared with the western world, may find compensation in sexless marriages as a manifestation of emotional divorce.

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Tinubu Orders Arrest, Suspension of Three Perm Secs As ICPC Uncovers Another Fake Govt Agency

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President Bola Tinubu on Friday ordered the immediate arrest and suspension of three federal Permanent Secretaries over their alleged involvement in the operation of another fake agency uncovered by the Independent Corrupt Practices and Other Related Offences Commission (ICPC).

ICPC Chairman, Dr Musa Adamu Aliyu, who disclosed this to newsmen after briefing President Tinubu on the latest findings from the commission’s ongoing investigation into fictitious agencies and weaknesses in public sector processes named the affected Permanent Secretaries to include M S Danjuma, Engr Nadungu Gagare, and Richard Pheelangwah.

The Commision’s latest discovery is coming barely few weeks after exposing the fictitious Presidential Foreign Intervention Promotion Council (PFIPC).

According to Aliyu, the newly uncovered entity, operating as National Brands Development and Made-in-Nigeria Special Project Office, had allegedly secured office accommodation within the premises of the Office of the Secretary to the Government of the Federation (OSGF) without authorisation from the President.

The discovery, he said, was made during the broader investigation into the PFIPC, which President Tinubu had directed the ICPC to undertake.

The fake agency, according to ICPC boss, was promoted by Prince George Buchi Nwabueze, who allegedly operated under several variations of his name, including George Nathan Nwabueze, Honourable George Buchi Nwabueze, Prince George Buchi Nwabueze and George Buchi Nwabueze.

Aliyu disclosed that the commission was engaging relevant officials in the Office of the Secretary to the Government of the Federation to establish how the purported agency came to operate from government premises and to obtain other vital information required for the investigation.
“I have briefed Mr President comprehensively on these new developments. ICPC will continue with its investigation,” he said.

Following the fresh findings, Aliyu said President Tinubu had directed the immediate arrest of Prince George Buchi Nwabueze, as well as the immediate suspension of the three named permanent secretaries.

The commission is expected to establish the roles played by the suspended officials and other individuals in the emergence and operation of the purported agency.

Aliyu said the latest discovery underscored the need for tighter controls and greater scrutiny of government institutions and internal administrative processes.

He commended President Tinubu for ordering a wider policy audit of federal agencies and government processes, describing the initiative as a proactive measure to strengthen the governance system.

His said: “President Bola Tinubu must be commended for the proactive step of directing the policy audit of MDAs and internal government processes towards strengthening government governance system.”

The latest development has widened the scope of the ICPC’s investigation into the proliferation of fictitious government entities and alleged exploitation of official structures by individuals seeking to create the impression of government authority.
The commission’s investigation into the PFIPC was initiated after the purported agency came under scrutiny, with the President subsequently directing the ICPC to unravel those behind its operations and determine whether public officials facilitated its activities.

With the discovery of another purported agency operating from government premises, the ICPC probe is now expected to examine broader institutional weaknesses that may have enabled unauthorised entities to gain access to federal government facilities and present themselves as legitimate government bodies.

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2027: Atiku Promises to Restore Fuel Subsidy If Elected President

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The African Democratic Congress (ADC) presidential candidate, Atiku Abubakar, has promised to restore the petrol subsidy if he wins the 2027 presidential election.

Atiku made the pledge during an interview on Wednesday while questioning the use of funds he said were saved following the removal of the subsidy.

He said the policy could have been beneficial to Nigerians if the savings had been properly accounted for and invested in areas such as poverty reduction and education.

“I did not oppose the removal of the oil subsidy, but where is the money? Where did it go? It was intended to reduce poverty and help children attend school. Where is the money now? It seems they are just stealing it,” Atiku said in Hausa.

“If elected, I will bring back the oil subsidy, and whoever stole the money must refund it.”

The former vice president said he would also consider the removal of the subsidy if the funds generated from the policy were transparently used to address the country’s development challenges.

“The government successfully removed the subsidy, but we do not know where the money went. If they had used the money for development, to solve security problems, for education, and to create opportunities for the youth, it would be different. If elected, I can remove the subsidy and use the money to do all these properly.”

President Bola Tinubu announced the removal of the petrol subsidy during his inaugural address on May 29, 2023, before assuming office.

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I’m Not Afraid of Anybody, Cardinal Onaiyekan Replies Presidency

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The Catholic Archbishop Emeritus of Abuja, Cardinal John Onaiyekan, has fired back at the Presidency over its criticism of his public account of a meeting between Catholic bishops and President Bola Tinubu, declaring that he did not appear on national television to please the government and was not afraid of anyone.

The 82-year-old cleric said he appeared on Arise News to tell Nigerians what he believed was the truth about the issues discussed during the bishops’ engagement with the President, insisting that neither his age nor criticism from government officials would silence him.

Onaiyekan spoke in a video shared by Symfoni TV on Wednesday, weeks after the Presidency criticised his decision to publicly disclose aspects of the meeting between the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of Nigeria (CBCN) and Tinubu.

“I didn’t go to Arise to please the government, or to just please people, but to tell the truth. That’s all I stand for,” Onaiyekan said.

He also dismissed attacks against him on social media, saying he had no reason to engage those criticising him because other Nigerians had already responded on his behalf.

“I don’t have to respond to those attacking me on social media because other Nigerians have spoken on my behalf,” he said.

The cleric went further, declaring that he was not concerned about the possibility of being embarrassed or intimidated because of his advanced age.

“I cannot be embarrassed. I’m 82 years old; nobody can embarrass me. And I’m not afraid of anybody. Nobody, at this stage now, are they going to arrest me, carry me to where?” he declared.

Senior Special Assistant to President Bola Tinubu on Media and Publicity, Temitope Ajayi, who said his criticism of Cardinal John Onaiyekan was not intended to disrespect the cleric.

The controversy that followed a July 28 meeting between Tinubu and a delegation of the CBCN at the State House, Abuja.

The delegation was led by the CBCN President, Archbishop Matthew Man-Oso Ndagoso of Kaduna, and included Onaiyekan, Cardinal Peter Okpaleke, Bishop Matthew Kukah of Sokoto and other senior Catholic clerics.

During the meeting, the bishops raised a number of issues concerning the state of the nation, including economic hardship, insecurity, democracy, preparations for the 2027 elections, religious freedom and the return of mission schools.

Three days later, Onaiyekan appeared on Arise News and publicly recounted aspects of the engagement while speaking about the concerns expressed by the Catholic leadership over the condition of the country.

His comments subsequently attracted criticism from the Presidency. The President’s Senior Special Assistant on Media and Publicity, Temitope Ajayi, criticised the disclosure of details from the meeting, describing the engagement as a private interaction.

The Presidency’s reaction sparked a debate over the extent to which details of engagements between government and religious leaders should remain confidential, particularly when the discussions concern matters of public interest.

Onaiyekan, however, has maintained that his intervention was neither personal nor intended to embarrass the government. The cleric rejected any suggestion that he had presented a personal opinion during his television appearance.

According to him, the issues he discussed reflected the collective position of the Catholic bishops who participated in the engagement with the President.

“No, mind you, I didn’t talk on my own now. I spoke on behalf of my fellow bishops,” he said.

Onaiyekan disclosed that the bishops had prepared a joint statement containing the issues he subsequently discussed during the television interview.

“We drafted a statement which contained all that I said in the interview. So, all the bishops of Nigeria spoke that way. It was their voice I was echoing,” he stated.

Onaiyekan also emphasised that Catholic bishops remained entitled to speak within their respective dioceses about issues affecting Nigerians.

“I cannot speak on behalf of other religious leaders. Everybody has their own job to do, but many of the other religious leaders have supported us,” Onaiyekan said.

Onaiyekan also broadened his comments beyond the dispute with the Presidency, stressing that the economic difficulties confronting Nigerians could not be dismissed as a disagreement between the government and religious leaders.

He said the widespread poverty and suffering in the country affected everyone.

“When it comes to what is happening to Nigeria, the poverty, the suffering, we are all in the same boat now, abi?” he asked.

The cleric urged Nigerians not to take the country’s remaining space for public criticism and expression for granted.

“And we are still lucky in this Nigeria that we can still talk. We shouldn’t take that for granted. There are many countries in Africa where no bishop dares to talk like we do here,” he said

Meanwhile, Ajayi has sought to draw a line under the controversy, saying his earlier response to Onaiyekan was not intended to disrespect the Catholic cleric or the church.

Ajayi made the clarification during an interview on Arise TV on Thursday, days after criticising Onaiyekan for publicly discussing the details of the closed-door meeting between Tinubu and the CBCN.

The presidential aide said the matter had been resolved and insisted that there was no intention to disparage the respected cleric.

“Well, I think that episode has been closed. Cardinal Onaiyekan is a respected clergy and a statement in his own right,” Ajayi said.

He explained that his intervention was aimed at providing a different interpretation of the account given by the cardinal, rather than questioning his standing in the church or wider society.

“My response to him did not in any way disrespect him or disrespect his standing in the society and the church. He’s one of the leaders of the faith,” Ajayi said, adding that he only sought to offer another perspective on the account of the meeting between the bishops and the President.

“I only tried to provide a different perspective from his own account of the bishop’s encounter with the president, and I think that point has been made. And I think it’s not something we really want to dwell further on,” he said.

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