Opinion
Fact for Living: The Secret of Listening
By Henry Ukazu
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”– Stephen R. Covey
Greetings Friends,
Today’s article will take a different route because it will be structured to empower any rational mind to think out of the box. One of the greatest force in life is love. There’s an imaginary strength that comes when we truly love. If you have truly loved, you’ll agree with me that you’ll not only care how your partner or friend feel, you’ll also listen to them.
I once read a book by Gary Chapman “The five love language Love language” where the author beautifully wrote about the five love languages (Words affirmation, physical touch, gift, services and time). When you truly care, you’ll apply all this love languages to your partner, friend, work or whatever you are doing. I choose to use love to buttress the important of listening because in whatever you do in life, if you don’t love it, you won’t give it your time and listening is one of the components of loving.
There are so many things we are stand to gain when we listen to people. One of the greatest things you can do for anyone is to listen to them. It should be noted that listening comes with respect. Whether you are in the cooperate world, self employed (entrepreneur), Non Government Organization or even faith based organization, you are bound to listen to your audience because that is the best way to communicate with them while serving them.
Listening is a choice, you decide to listen to what you like. It is really hard sitting or even standing up listening to people you don’t value. When you listen to podcast or programs of interest, you select music, talks or even comedy of interest that appeals to you. In this digital age, experience has taught me to pay attention to what really matters to me. In fact, unless I am sacrificing my time for a worthy cause, if it’s not taking me to the next level and if it doesn’t involve money, it doesn’t worth my time.
In any industry you are in, you need to practice good listening skills. Are you seeking for a job, or currently working, you need a good listening skill to succeed in a job environment.
With this skill, you can navigate the politics of the job environment. Even a leader needs this skill the most. I have always opine that one of the great art of a leader is the ability to listen and learn. This is because you get more ideas when you listen to your followers.
Listening gives you ability to hear (feedback) what others feel about your work. According to Bill Gates “your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning”.
During the course of this article, we shall be discussing the different styles of listening and how we can use effective listening to enhance our business or opportunity of interest.
Practice active listening: The most important gift you can give to a public speaker is your ears. When you listen to someone, you are not only giving the person your time, you are also learning more about the person. There’s a saying you can learn more about a person by what he/she does than what he/she says. Practicing active listening is a very good way to learn and be engaged. In communication, what is important is not what is being said, but what is not being said, therein, lies the message. When you practice active listening, you hear the unspoken language from the other person in addition to being engaged.
According to G.K. Chesterton “there’s a lot of difference between hearing and listening.” This is because hearing isn’t necessarily listening. This is because you can hear someone but not present at the same time. Active listening makes you to be present. You may have heard of the saying, the joy of life is not happy you are, but how happy someone can because of you. Everyone loves to be listened and loved. In my book Design Your Destiny – Actualizing Your Birthright To Success, specifically on page 111, I wrote about the four levels of gratitude (Appreciation, administration, approval and attention). In order to understand this teachings you must practice active listening to understand the unspoken words inherent in such deeds.
Eye Contact: A great communicator uses eye contact to deliver his/her message. One of the most valuable ways a public speaker communicate with his/she audience is by using eye contact. With eye contact, you can tell if your audience is listening or feeling bored.
Sometimes you hear what the person is saying when you look directly in the eyes of the person, sometimes, maintaining a visible presence by looking over the head audience gives them the desired space they need. This is because some people don’t feel comfortable when they have direct eye contact. Eye contact also goes with the body language of the speaker. In communication, sometimes, somethings are better felt than spoken.
Don’t interrupt the speaker: A good way to know a great speaker is by looking how he/she pitches his/point or message. Interrupting a speaker can ruin the flow of information. That is why sometimes, it is good to reserve questions towards at the end of any presentation.
Listen without judgment: –: In communication, most times, people listen with the intent to respond as opposed to understanding. This normally plays out most times in marriage. In law, a good to way to apply justice is by listening to the other side. In applying this knowledge, the judge normally use Audi alteram partem, a Latin phrase meaning “listen to the other side”, or “let the other side be heard as well”. It is the principle that no person should be judged without a fair hearing in which each party is given the opportunity to respond to the evidence against them.
Meditation: Mediation is a form of listening. According to Thomas Carlyle, “Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves together”. Meditation is truly a great form of listening. According to Wayne Dyer, an inspirational author, meditation is simply the act of being quiet with yourself and shutting the constant monologue that fills the inner space.
Meditation helps in self discovering. You learn more about yourself when you listen to your inner self as opposed to what other people think of you. There are many benefits that comes with meditation. Examples include: it reduces stress, helps you to focus very well, it reduces anxiety, it gives you better memory and enhances creativity.
In conclusion, a good listening skill if properly utilized will set you on a good path that will set you before leaders, kings and Heads of Industries if properly applied.
Henry Ukazu writes from New York. He works with New York City Department of Correction as the legal Coordinator. He’s the author of the acclaimed book Design Your Destiny – Actualizing Your Birthright To Success.
By Henry Ukazu
Dear Destiny Friends,
To some people, giving is a lifestyle while to some others, it is a burden. However, it should be noted that it is not only the person that has enough that gives, rather the person with a heart of giving.
Overtime, I have discovered that giving means different things to different people. While some people genuinely give to show concern, some people give to show appreciation and gratitude for favors received. A lot more others give for economic reasons like in the United States of America, where charitable giving can be considered for tax deduction. So, some people give to write off debts for taxable purposes. Maybe, they wouldn’t give if the tax code didn’t make that provision. Who knows? Some people even give because it is spiritually advised so that they can receive from the creator (God).
If you are asked why you give or what’s the reason behind your giving, what will be your answer? Personally, I love to give because giving makes me happy. This is how I see giving. Whenever I see anyone who is going through a lot, I feel much better when I assist them in alleviating or solving their problem. One of my favorite lines in the Bible is Matthew 11:28 which says, “Come to me all you that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest”. What the passage means is that God is our greatest succor whenever we are stressed. He advises us to bring our burden to him, and he will make us feel good.
Unfortunately however, we live in a society that loves to receive as opposed to giving. Many people derive joy in seeking assistance whether it relates to money, resources, or knowledge, but very few people selflessly bring their time to give and share their time and resources. One of my mentors once said, the givers hand is always on top while the receiver’s hand is always below. So, the question one needs to ask himself is, where do you want to belong?
One of the best things that can happen to anyone is to have a heart that gives. I recently read a book titled “Making it Big” by Dr. Femi Otedola, a global philanthropist. In his book, he stated that he got to a stage in life where he had to ask himself what makes him happy? He reflected deeply on that question and pondered on it for a while only for him to discover that giving is one of the greatest things that makes him happy. He went further to list all his philanthropic works which have endeared him to the hearts of people.
Dr. Femi Otedola, despite being a shrewd businessman has a large heart when it comes to giving. I have personally discovered that when one gives genuinely without any sentiments or emotions, it has a way of coming back to them in a hundred fold.
When one gives with love, God, in His infinite mercy might not give you back money, he might decide to give you good health, good children, good employees, mentors, opportunities etc. But ignorant minds won’t understand that these are what truly matter.
Uninformed minds would like to receive financial rewards, but they fail to understand that if you are given money, one might use that same money to treat oneself in the hospital or buy luxurious vehicles that might crash leading to their death. They can even use the money to build houses, factories, companies, etc. which can be consumed by fire. Do you see how God blesses one?
Having written about the importance of receiving, the big question we now must ask ourselves is how do we receive? To receive or attract favour, one must either give, solve problems or add value. These three principles are the factors responsible for changing the fortunes of any progressive mind.
Let’s take them one after another:
Giving
I call the act of giving, a womb opener. When you give, the style, manner and mindset of giving can be the game changer of your life. I can’t explain how giving has opened doors for me. Giving is one of the secrets that endeared me to a lot of resourceful minds. When I talk of giving in this context, I’m referring to both financially and resourceful. I give to my mentors, friends, mentees, family, relatives, strangers, God etc., and trust me the rewards have been fulfilling.
Over time, I have had conversations with people who feel giving to mentors is a waste of money because they are already rich and wealthy. I have a different mindset to that thought pattern. Your mentors or benefactors are always on the givers side, and it’s okay for one to think they don’t have any problem, but the truth is that they might have more problems than me and you, but they tend to manage or keep it close to their heart. Trust me, great men have deeper needs, so when someone gives them money or gift, it hits them differently. But more importantly, it separates you from the rank and file of people who might be classified as beggars.
It is generally stated that givers never lack, but I stand to disagree slightly, givers do lack when they don’t give with wisdom. Some people just give indiscriminately when they hear pitiable stories. While all these things are capable of making someone give, one has to be mindful of being moved with emotions and sentiments because when problems come, it won’t come with emotions and sentiments. As a matter of fact, when people see you can be swayed by emotion they can manipulate and play with your brain just to squeeze some money from you. Here is what I will advise, have a charitable benchmark for giving. I say this because when you don’t plan for your money, other folks will plan it for you.
Solve Problems
This right here is one of the best ways if not the best way to receive money. Nobody just gives their hard-earned money for fun because they like just like you without attaching the money for a cause. If you don’t have money, the reason is often because you are not solving a problem, or you are not solving enough problems, or you are not solving the right problem or you are not solving problems for the right people.
There’s so much money everywhere. Money surrounds us in the form of problems. It’s up to you to look at your community, company, institution etc. and ask, what can I do to fix these problems or challenges? When you proffer a solution with a better quality, money will come to your pocket. As one of my mentors will say, when the man with money meets the man with experience, the man with money will lose his experience to gain money and the man with experience will part with his experience to gain money.
Here is my advice: instead of begging people for money, ask them what can you do for them?
Add Value
The final but not the least is value. It’s instructive to note that the more you learn, the more you earn. Just like, network, access, education, money, relationship, are regarded as currencies. Value is the new currency. In fact, value is the center of all currency because they have something which people need. If you don’t have value, you won’t be respected or valued. Most times people just think they are nobody, maybe because they think they are poor, or not from a rich family. No, we are all relevant. It’s due to an inferiority complex that will make one to believe they are nobody. Everyone has a value. Provided you are a human being, there is something you can do.
Just like the poor man needs the rich man, the rich man also needs the poor man. Just like the USA doesn’t have all the resources despite being the most powerful nation on the planet, they also have needs, for instance they need some resources from other countries to supplement their needs.
In summary, if you want to receive, ask yourself, what am I giving?
Henry Ukazu writes from New York. He works with the New York City Department of Correction as the Legal Coordinator. He’s the founder of Gloemi. He’s a Transformative Human Capacity and Mindset coach. He is also a public speaker, youth advocate, creative writer and author of Design Your Destiny Design and Unleash Your Destiny . He can be reached via info@gloemi.com
By Tolulope A. Adegoke, PhD
“In the face of complex crises, true leadership is measured not by the clarity of one’s critique, but by the courage to enact responsible solutions that bridge the gap between sovereign duty and our global responsibility to protect” – Tolulope A. Adegoke, PhD
If you follow global news, you have likely encountered alarming headlines about Nigeria. Terms like “religious violence” and even “genocide” are often used to describe a complex and devastating crisis. But beyond the headlines lies a critical international dilemma: when a state struggles to protect its own people, what is the world’s responsibility?
This is not a new question. It lies at the heart of a global principle adopted after the horrors of Rwanda and Srebrenica (Town in Bosnia and Herzegovina): The Responsibility to Protect (R2P).
Let us break down what R2P means, why it is so relevant in Nigeria, and what proposed international responses—like those from the United States—reveal about the difficult pursuit of peace in a complicated world.
R2P in a Nutshell: A Three-Pillar Promise
Imagine R2P as a three-legged stool, with each leg representing a fundamental obligation:
- Pillar I: The State’s Primary Duty. Every sovereign nation has the foremost responsibility to shield its populations from genocide, war crimes, ethnic cleansing, and crimes against humanity.
- Pillar II: International Assistance. The global community has a duty to assist states in building this protective capacity through aid, training, and diplomatic support.
- Pillar III: The Decisive Response. If a state is “manifestly failing” to protect its people, the international community must respond decisively—first through peaceful means like sanctions and diplomacy, and only as an absolute last resort, with authorized military force.
The protracted crisis in Nigeria tests this very framework to its limits.
The Nigerian Labyrinth: It’s More Complex Than It Seems
Labeling the situation in Nigeria as a simple religious war is a profound misunderstanding. The reality is a tangled web of several overlapping conflicts:
- Jihadist Insurgency: Groups like Boko Haram and ISWAP in the Northeast target both Muslims and Christians who oppose their rule. However, Christian communities have endured specific, brutal attacks on churches and schools, marking them for violence based on their faith.
- Clashing Livelihoods: In the fertile Middle Belt, competition over dwindling land and water resources has ignited violent clashes between predominantly Muslim Fulani herders and Christian farmers. Climate change and desertification have intensified this struggle, layering economic desperation over religious and ethnic identities.
- Criminal Banditry: Widespread kidnappings and violence in the Northwest, often driven by profit, exploit the fragile security situation, further destabilizing the region.
This intricate complexity is why the term “Christian genocide” is so hotly debated. While there is undeniable, systematic violence against Christians, the legal definition of genocide requires proof of a specific intent to destroy the group. Many analysts point to the confluence of political, economic, and criminal motives, arguing that the situation, while atrocious, may not meet this strict legal threshold.
The R2P Test: Is Nigeria “Manifestly Failing”?
A widespread perception holds that the Nigerian government is failing in its Pillar I responsibility. Despite possessing a powerful military, issues of corruption, a slow institutional response, and allegations of bias have left millions of citizens vulnerable.
This failure activates the world’s role under Pillar II. The United States, United Kingdom, and other partners have provided significant aid, military training, and intelligence sharing. Yet, it has not been enough. The persistent violence pushes the necessary conversation toward the more difficult Pillar III: the “Responsibility to Respond.”
The U.S. Proposition: A Case Study in Coercive Care
What does a “timely and decisive response” entail? Proposed U.S. actions offer a clear case study. Focusing on coercive measures short of force, they include:
- Targeted Sanctions: Visa bans and asset freezes against specific Nigerian officials accused of corruption or atrocities.
- Diplomatic Pressure: Officially designating Nigeria as a “Country of Particular Concern” for religious freedom.
- Conditioned Aid: Linking further military assistance to verifiable improvements in human rights and accountability.
The Pros and Cons: A Balanced View
- The Upside: These actions send a powerful message of solidarity to victims, potentially deter perpetrators, and uphold the global norm that national sovereignty entails a responsibility to protect, not a license for atrocity.
- The Downside: These measures are fiercely rejected by the Nigerian government and many within the country as a violation of sovereignty. There is a risk that cutting military aid could weaken the fight against Boko Haram and ISWAP, and a narrow focus on the religious dimension could oversimplify the conflict’s root causes, potentially inflaming tensions further.
Key Takeaways for a Global Audience
This situation is not merely a problem for politicians; it offers critical lessons for all of us:
- For Global Citizens: Seek nuanced understanding. Effective advocacy requires moving beyond simplistic labels to grasp the underlying root causes—such as climate change, governance failures, and economic despair—that fuel the violence.
- For Businesses Operating Abroad: You have a vital role to play. Conduct human rights due diligence and use your economic influence to support stability, conflict resolution, and ethical practices within your operations and supply chains.
- For the International Community: This case exposes R2P’s greatest weakness: its reliance on a UN Security Council often paralyzed by geopolitics. The future demands more robust and empowered regional leadership from bodies like the African Union.
Conclusion: An Unfinished Conversation for Lasting Peace
The crisis in Nigeria and the proposed international responses are not about easy answers. They represent the difficult, ongoing work of making the promise of “Never Again” a tangible reality.
R2P remains an unfulfilled ideal, caught between the urgent need to protect human life and the complex realities of national sovereignty. The conversation it forces is itself a constructive step forward. It challenges Nigeria to reclaim its primary duty to protect all its citizens, challenges the world to move beyond rhetoric to meaningful action, and challenges us all to remember that our common humanity is the most important border we share. The demand for peace, both within Nigeria and beyond, requires nothing less than our collective and unwavering commitment.
Dr. Tolulope A. Adegoke, AMBP-UN is a Doctor of Philosophy (PhD) in History and International Studies, Fellow Certified Management Consultant & Specialist, Fellow Certified Human Resource Management Professional, a Recipient of the Nigerian Role Models Award (2024), and a Distinguished Ambassador For World Peace (AMBP-UN). He has also gained inclusion in the prestigious compendium, “Nigeria @65: Leaders of Distinction”.
By Henry Ukazu
Dear Destiny Friends,
Last week, I began an exposition on the above topic, only to discover that I have so much to share, and that prompted the decision to spread it into two parts. In part one, I simply laid the foundation and overview of how the secret place works.
In my home country, Nigeria, we have an adage in my native Igbo language that when the road is good, an individual goes through it again. What this really means is that when an article or food is good, it is normal for one to ask for more.
When I had the inspiration to write about the secret place, many thoughts flooded my mind, so I decided to write about different aspects of secret which are relatable. There is no doubt everyone has a secret, and this is responsible for the mystery or aura that makes other people surprised at how the person does certain things. It is therefore, foolhardy for anyone to divulge their secret.
If you are asked the secret that makes you successful, what will be your answer? Most rational minds will say, hard work, consistency, networking, value, continuous quest for knowledge, etc. All these are good points no doubt, but those may not really be the key factors to success. They are the general approach an insightful person can adopt. For instance, one might do all the aforementioned points and still fail, especially when the grace of God is not at work in the life of the person or where that’s the not calling of the person.
One might be wondering how that works? At creation, God gave everyone a talent/gift to serve the world, but some decided to give themselves another skill instead of honing what God has given to them. One might succeed in their chosen area, but they may lack fulfilment. But when one is working in their area of purpose, it hits different because they will not have to stress too much to make an impact. The universe will conspire to make the person successful.
Another secret to one’s success might be their access. Some people might have all they need but lack access to certain people and information. Another person’s secret might be giving, kindness and favour. Let’s speak a minute on this. Some people don’t know the role of giving, and how giving can open a closed door. It’s not just about giving, but the mindset involved in the giving.
Let me share some personal experiences I had a couple of years ago.
One day, one of my mentors breezed into New York for a meeting. He called me and I was elated because I have been looking forward to meeting him. Because another of my mentors have counseled me on the importance of giving mentors and resourceful people gifts, I bought a decent wine for him as a token of appreciation for him.
I could see the surprise on his face when I presented the wine and copies of my book to him. When I inquired why he was surprised, he said, “Henry, it’s not the amount of the gift that matters or the gift itself, rather, it’s the thought that went into it. That hit me differently.
To my amazement, he requested my account number. He was gracious enough to send me $1,000. In all honesty, my joy knew new bounds. It’s important to note that it is not the person who has money that gives, rather it is the person who has heart that gives. It’s sad to see young minds, who find it difficult to give to their mentors. They feel their mentors have more than them, but their ignorant mind fails to acknowledge that uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.
Another dimension of giving that has continually opened doors for me is a principle I learnt from one of my mentors, Dr. Yomi Garnett. According to him, “you will get what you want faster when you assist other people to achieve what they want”.
This principle is a game changer for me. It has opened my doors for me. One of such doors that stood out for me was meeting a great mind, Mr. Sulyman Sodeeq Abdulakeem, a rare breed. I met this young man on X, formerly Twitter, when he reached out to me informing me of how he has been following my weekly articles. He went further to produce a compilation of my quotes from my work.
That I was surprised is an understatement. Even if I wanted to say no to him when he requested I become his mentor, but for his dedication, I opened my valve to him. Today, he’s the Chief Operating Officer of my company. I saw value in him, and gave him some percentage of my company even when we are yet to make money in the company.
Now, here is where it gets interesting; what I did for him for a mere favor anyone can do without blinking an eye. But his young man has gone further to be a priceless blessing to me in ways and manners I cannot explain here. As a matter of fact, I feel I give him 10% and he gives me 90%. In all sincerity, he’s one of the best gifts and blessings God has given to me, and I will be eternally grateful to him (God) for the gift of Sulyman.
Imagine if I had not opened my doors to him, I wouldn’t be a beneficiary of his ingenuity.
Another person’s secret might be an unusual favour. Some people are favored where others fail. It’s instructive to note that different things work for different people.
As an author and creative writer, one of the secrets behind my strength and inspiration to write on a weekly basis in addition to publishing books with relative ease is God. I am not ashamed of the role the God-factor is playing in my life. This is because we live in a society where some people are shy or even ashamed of identifying with God, for reasons best known to them.
For me, I can boldly say, I’m super proud of what God is doing in my life. He’s my source and strength. One prayer I always say is, God, when you take me to the top and I become successful, any day I decide to take your glory and say it’s because of my hard work, intelligence and network, may your glory depart from me. I’m that intentional. Apart from the work I do, I have seen and experienced the hand of God upon my life, and the experience is summed up in one word; encounter.
Another secret of my success is my interaction. By God’s grace, I know how to relate with people. If I decide to meet someone, how I engage them can be fascinating. I think God gave me a discerning spirit, wisdom and the right diction to meet people where they are.
Back to the article; secrets work in different ways, and for different people. It’s just like a man who wants to talk to a lady. The ability for the man to know what works for the lady can be the game changer. According to Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages, it is important to know what works for anyone. For instance, while some ladies love language is words affirmation, other ladies love language might be gifts, services, time or physical touch.
In conclusion, life is a secret, to discover the secret, you will have to have the code and the code can be found in the secret. So, where is the secret? The secret lies in God. Seek God, and He will surely give you the needed secret to triumph.
Henry Ukazu writes from New York. He works with the New York City Department of Correction as the Legal Coordinator. He’s the founder of Gloemi. He’s a Transformative Human Capacity and Mindset coach. He is also a public speaker, youth advocate, creative writer and author of Design Your Destiny Design and Unleash Your Destiny . He can be reached via info@gloemi.com
