Opinion
Fact for Living: The Secret of Listening
By Henry Ukazu
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”– Stephen R. Covey
Greetings Friends,
Today’s article will take a different route because it will be structured to empower any rational mind to think out of the box. One of the greatest force in life is love. There’s an imaginary strength that comes when we truly love. If you have truly loved, you’ll agree with me that you’ll not only care how your partner or friend feel, you’ll also listen to them.
I once read a book by Gary Chapman “The five love language Love language” where the author beautifully wrote about the five love languages (Words affirmation, physical touch, gift, services and time). When you truly care, you’ll apply all this love languages to your partner, friend, work or whatever you are doing. I choose to use love to buttress the important of listening because in whatever you do in life, if you don’t love it, you won’t give it your time and listening is one of the components of loving.
There are so many things we are stand to gain when we listen to people. One of the greatest things you can do for anyone is to listen to them. It should be noted that listening comes with respect. Whether you are in the cooperate world, self employed (entrepreneur), Non Government Organization or even faith based organization, you are bound to listen to your audience because that is the best way to communicate with them while serving them.
Listening is a choice, you decide to listen to what you like. It is really hard sitting or even standing up listening to people you don’t value. When you listen to podcast or programs of interest, you select music, talks or even comedy of interest that appeals to you. In this digital age, experience has taught me to pay attention to what really matters to me. In fact, unless I am sacrificing my time for a worthy cause, if it’s not taking me to the next level and if it doesn’t involve money, it doesn’t worth my time.
In any industry you are in, you need to practice good listening skills. Are you seeking for a job, or currently working, you need a good listening skill to succeed in a job environment.
With this skill, you can navigate the politics of the job environment. Even a leader needs this skill the most. I have always opine that one of the great art of a leader is the ability to listen and learn. This is because you get more ideas when you listen to your followers.
Listening gives you ability to hear (feedback) what others feel about your work. According to Bill Gates “your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning”.
During the course of this article, we shall be discussing the different styles of listening and how we can use effective listening to enhance our business or opportunity of interest.
Practice active listening: The most important gift you can give to a public speaker is your ears. When you listen to someone, you are not only giving the person your time, you are also learning more about the person. There’s a saying you can learn more about a person by what he/she does than what he/she says. Practicing active listening is a very good way to learn and be engaged. In communication, what is important is not what is being said, but what is not being said, therein, lies the message. When you practice active listening, you hear the unspoken language from the other person in addition to being engaged.
According to G.K. Chesterton “there’s a lot of difference between hearing and listening.” This is because hearing isn’t necessarily listening. This is because you can hear someone but not present at the same time. Active listening makes you to be present. You may have heard of the saying, the joy of life is not happy you are, but how happy someone can because of you. Everyone loves to be listened and loved. In my book Design Your Destiny – Actualizing Your Birthright To Success, specifically on page 111, I wrote about the four levels of gratitude (Appreciation, administration, approval and attention). In order to understand this teachings you must practice active listening to understand the unspoken words inherent in such deeds.
Eye Contact: A great communicator uses eye contact to deliver his/her message. One of the most valuable ways a public speaker communicate with his/she audience is by using eye contact. With eye contact, you can tell if your audience is listening or feeling bored.
Sometimes you hear what the person is saying when you look directly in the eyes of the person, sometimes, maintaining a visible presence by looking over the head audience gives them the desired space they need. This is because some people don’t feel comfortable when they have direct eye contact. Eye contact also goes with the body language of the speaker. In communication, sometimes, somethings are better felt than spoken.
Don’t interrupt the speaker: A good way to know a great speaker is by looking how he/she pitches his/point or message. Interrupting a speaker can ruin the flow of information. That is why sometimes, it is good to reserve questions towards at the end of any presentation.
Listen without judgment: –: In communication, most times, people listen with the intent to respond as opposed to understanding. This normally plays out most times in marriage. In law, a good to way to apply justice is by listening to the other side. In applying this knowledge, the judge normally use Audi alteram partem, a Latin phrase meaning “listen to the other side”, or “let the other side be heard as well”. It is the principle that no person should be judged without a fair hearing in which each party is given the opportunity to respond to the evidence against them.
Meditation: Mediation is a form of listening. According to Thomas Carlyle, “Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves together”. Meditation is truly a great form of listening. According to Wayne Dyer, an inspirational author, meditation is simply the act of being quiet with yourself and shutting the constant monologue that fills the inner space.
Meditation helps in self discovering. You learn more about yourself when you listen to your inner self as opposed to what other people think of you. There are many benefits that comes with meditation. Examples include: it reduces stress, helps you to focus very well, it reduces anxiety, it gives you better memory and enhances creativity.
In conclusion, a good listening skill if properly utilized will set you on a good path that will set you before leaders, kings and Heads of Industries if properly applied.
Henry Ukazu writes from New York. He works with New York City Department of Correction as the legal Coordinator. He’s the author of the acclaimed book Design Your Destiny – Actualizing Your Birthright To Success.
By Henry Ukazu
Dear Destiny Friends,
Apart from having the fear of God, one of the greatest desires any individual is a responsible life partner or spouse. In fact, a responsible partner transcends beyond ability to provide as there exists many, who can provide, are still irresponsible. Being responsible is priceless. Being responsible is a currency and goodwill which is not seen among cheap people.
While little girls in high schools are thrilled about the handsomeness of boys, and big ladies in colleges are attracted to the intelligence and financial capacity of guys, mature working ladies are more concerned about the security and loyalty of guys. This set of mature ladies are not concerned about the physical looks and financial capacity of guys. Though money and good looks are important, but they can’t be compared to loyalty and security. This is because a man may not have money, may not look great, and may not even be rich in intelligence, but when a lady sees him as responsible, with prospects, she might take him very seriously, and vice versa.
Asides character, irresponsibility is one thing that detaches a man from a lady. As a matter of fact, when a man senses a lady has been sexually exposed to a lot of men, withdrawal syndrome begins to set in, especially if he’s familiar with such men. Irresponsibility can be attributed to lack of good character or why will a responsible woman be messing around with several men.
One may wonder if this article is about the relationship between a man and a woman. The simple answer is no. The article is about life. I had to begin with human beings to x-ray the importance of living a responsible life. The truth is nobody likes to relate with an irresponsible person whether at work, church, family or events. An irresponsible person will have trust issues, fail in leadership, suffer from accountability issues, and will never be counted as reliable. If negative forces wish to deal with a person, they send an irresponsible people their way, and the individual’s life or work will be completely damaged.
As human beings, we are responsible for our life. It is what we sow that we reap. When we love, we are bound to reap love, when we sow hatred, it has a way of coming back to us. When we sow kindness, kindness will locate us in due time. When we sow hard work, it has a way of paying us back in the near future. When we help the less privileged, we accumulate the grace and mercy of God in the universe. When we invest in people, we tend to open doors, and like a magnet, attracts blessings, favours and opportunities our way.
The question we need to ask ourselves therefore, is what kind of life are we living? According to Socrates, “an unexamined life is not worth living”. Being able to take stock of one’s life is one of the best things that can happen to anyone. Just like a businessman takes inventory of his products, one must be intentional to live a life of purpose. Failure to do so is inviting Karma.
It’s instructive to note that taking responsibility involves a process. It is the foundation one lays that determines the kind of house they live in. For instance, if your tummy aches, what you ate yesterday is the likely the cause; if you are depressed, the culprit is the thought you meditated on the night before; if you are broke, it is usually because you mismanaged your money earlier; if you are overweight, it is because you over-ate in the past. Did you see that actions have consequences and it’s your responsibility to fix yourself with the right thoughts and actions.
The moral of the story is that your reality today is the consequence of your thoughts and actions of yesterday. And your future will reflect your thinking and deeds of today. It’s important to note that no demon is powerful enough to make you reap what you did not sow, neither is any demon more powerful than Karma. If you are in doubt, sow a seed today, and it will show tomorrow.
So, it is important for one to take responsibility for their lives. Nobody will fix you more than you can fix yourself; nobody can help you more than you can help yourself; nobody can save you more than you can save yourself; nobody can inspire you more than you can inspire yourself; and nobody can make you live a responsible life if you are not determined to be responsible.
It’s sad to see people who haven’t taken time to plan their lives, yet expect other people to fix them. Some people don’t invest in themselves by reading, researching, taking a class, course, learning a skill, traveling, investing in their businesses, relationship, network, volunteering in an association, and adding value to their lives. Sometimes, lazy minds lie idle waiting for the Lamb of God, who will take away their sins and burdens. These lazy minds fail to understand that everyone is dealing with a secret frustration.
In conclusion, decide today to take charge of your life, and see how life will unfold positively for you.
Henry Ukazu writes from New York. He works with the New York City Department of Correction as the Legal Coordinator. He’s the founder of Gloemi. He’s a Transformative Human Capacity and Mindset coach. He is also a public speaker, youth advocate, creative writer and author of Design Your Destiny Design Your and Unleash Your Destiny . He can be reached via info@gloemi.com
By Henry Ukazu
Dear Destiny Friends,
There is a key to unlocking everything in life in the guise of manuals and codes. Without the manual or code, a car, laptop, phone and other equipment won’t be activated or function properly. Without the right key, a door won’t open. Without the right foundation, success will be a far cry. An individual must therefore, know the right formula if they wish to succeed.
Success, like every other endeavours, including staying healthy and going to heaven, definitely has a key. In the same vein, everyone, in whatever guise, has a key to manifest every of his desire, and it behoves on one to do all legally and morally possible to discover it.
Life is truly a mystery. Nobody except the creator can unravel it. So to understand and unravel life, one must understand and get closer to the source or creator. This is just the simple truth of how life really works. Keys are like codes, formulas, and secrets. When you have the right code to any bank vault, you can break into it; when you have the formula to any mathematical problem, you won’t have a challenge solving the equation, but when you have the wrong formula, you will arrive at the wrong answer. The same principle is applicable to secrets; every human being has a secret, the ability to discern one’s secret will go a long way in assisting them to get their desires.
Let’s take a case of a man who wants to woo a lady. The first thing he does is figure out a close friend or family member who knows the lady in question, to decipher what she likes or wants in a man. This is because some ladies are attracted to men who are good with words while some are attracted to gifts, services, physical touch and time. If you would like to know more about these five love languages, I will strongly recommend you read Gary Chapman’s five love languages.
Keys are very symbolic in life; they are the foundation of life because without the foundation it will be difficult to resolve any concern. For instance, as a new employee in a company, to succeed, it will be important to understand the principles, values and the culture applicable in that company or organization. In any profession, whether law, medical, engineering, entertainment, political or religion, one needs to understand how it works, and the necessary structure needed to succeed. Even in the academic industry, one must know how to use the right words to convey the right message.
Keys are manuals, and when you have them, life will be smooth. Imagine operating a phone, car, television, laptop or other products without the manual; one is bound to encounter challenges, and the tendency of the product not functioning in optimum capacity is possible.
There is a story about how a man whose car broke down along the way, while he was trying to figure out how to fix the car, he encountered several difficulties, and the car refused to start. He tried all he could, but all to no avail. While he was trying to figure out what to do, an old man reached out to him to know if he needed help. He dismissed the old with the mindset he can’t do anything. After trying several times to fix the car, he couldn’t. He had to allow the old man to try. The man opened the burnet of the car and hit a knob and told the man to start the car, and the car began to work. The man was startled and asked the old man, what’s his name man. He said, Henry Ford, the inventor and owner of Ford Motors.
What’s the moral of this story? Henry Ford has the master key to fixing the car. He was able to fix the car because he’s the inventor. Henry Ford has the master key. If he wasn’t the inventor, it would have been difficult for him to fix the car. Note that another person can also fix the car if he has the codes and manuals laid down by the inventor.
Overtime, I have discovered that the ability to relate with human beings in a close way is one of the best way to understand them. Everybody has a key that works for them, one’s ability to decipher this key can be a gateway to success, and this comes with timing. So, as you move along in life, please always endeavor to have a basic understanding of the industry, company or social-political space because it will go a long way in determining the height you can attain.
In conclusion, keys are life’s oxygen, which if missing, leads to a time bomb effect, but when available leads to a floodgate of success.
Henry Ukazu writes from New York. He works with the New York City Department of Correction as the Legal Coordinator. He’s the founder of Gloemi. He’s a Transformative Human Capacity and Mindset coach. He is also a public speaker, youth advocate, creative writer and author of Design Your Destiny Design Your and Unleash Your Destiny . He can be reached via info@gloemi.com
By Henry Ukazu
Dear Destiny Friends,
“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is pleasing everyone”
Life has many twists and turns. The ability to successfully navigate them will usher any individual into a whole new dimension of existence. This is because sometimes, when we experience misfortunes, we think there’s a force working against us, yes, it might be true to some extent, but the truth is, it might be something totally unrelated to what one might be thinking. One’s mindset has a way of deceiving then, especially when they are not properly informed.
Whenever we experience misfortunes, or life doesn’t seem to align with our plans, expectations and desires, consider thinking out of the box to know what happened, instead of apportioning blame.
For instance, ask yourself if you made a mistake; if the answer is yes, find out if you could have done differently. Again, did someone contribute to it or masterminded the act; was it a natural cause; was it because of a government policy; was it a case of Karma working against you; or is a case of detractors trying to set you up for failure. One’s ability to decipher the right answers to these questions will go a long way to fixing the issue.
For the sake of this article, we shall focus on detractors to x-ray their role in orchestrating one’s destiny. It’s generally normal for us to hate our enemies or anyone who has a negative vibe or energy towards us, but the truth remains that everyone we meet in life has a role the universe or destiny has planted or positioned them to play. The ability to know this truth will go a long way towards appreciating life.
It should be known that detractors are not as bad as they appear, yes. Some may be bad, agreed, but some are there to help us do better. Isn’t it true that only our true friends will drive us to do better? Whenever a mentor, friend, parent, supervisor, benefactor, or even your enemy admonishes you, please don’t take it personal. Look at their intent as opposed to their words.
My beloved mother will always say, when someone is speaking, always look at their heart as opposed to their words. Words can literally mean nothing if our actions don’t correlate with our words.
But when the criticism is from a place of disrespect or disdain, consider removing yourself from that space until the person receives sense. According to Uche Okorie, a Maritime lawyer, “When you are criticized objectively, examine it. If it is untrue, ignore it. If it is unfair, resist the temptation to be irritated. If it is ignorant, just smile. If it is justified, then it is NOT criticism, LEARN FROM IT!
It’s only myopic and uninformed minds that will take corrections from a negative perspective. Progressive minds welcome constructive criticism because it serves as a second eye for them. It is sad to see people who should appreciate the role of detractors in their life acting funny because they allow their ego to rule them. Hear this from me, if you have someone who will correct you on the right way, and because you feel you don’t like the person, or the person is younger than you, or whatever reason you have, you are actually doing yourself a disservice because if you had taken the opportunity to learn, maybe an opportunity would have popped out in the nearest future.
On a personal note, I have experienced detractors in my life when I was serving as the Public Relations Officer for the Nigerian Lawyers Association. Let me make this disclosure; my detractors were right in their concerns because my writing skills were indeed horrible at the said time, however, what I didn’t really like was the approach they used in correcting me. It came across to me in a sarcastic, derogatory and disdainful manner to the extent I almost felt like leaving the association, but for the influence of mentors who I regard as life savers, I was able to manage the situation and today, when I reference back, I’m glad I didn’t resign. The whole experience has really shaped my approach and outlook to life, especially when I mentor the younger generation and relate with people who ordinarily think life has no space for them.
Here’s my advice, please stop hating your enemies, they will make you stronger, especially when they want to see you fail. Your detractors have a role to play in your life. Without them, your life would be depressingly boring. You might not be inspired to do better. For instance, one of my driving forces was being told I was a horrible writer, and life might not be easy for me to live in America. I was even told to consider going back to Nigeria. All these I guess, came from a place of love if you look at my situation at the said time, but guess what, man is not God because nobody knows tomorrow.
If I was told I will have two books to my name and a co-author to another book, I won’t believe it. Maybe God has used the books to send a subtle message to my detractors. Furthermore, a horrible writer is now a prolific writer, who is read globally every week.
Let me ask you, what would Tom be without Jerry? How interesting will a James Bond movie be without a villain? If not for satan, many of us will not be serving God. If not for the lion that runs fast, the antelope would not run faster.
Let’s take it a little further, there was a race I watched where Usain Bolt was running, he was looking at his colleagues while sprinting because they were inspiring him to run faster, when he looks back, and sees his rival closing in, he runs faster. Without his opponents, Usain Bolt wouldn’t have broken records. The moral here is that our enemies are as essential to us as oxygen is to life. Without them, one may never fulfil their potential or life’s purpose.
In conclusion, as you journey through, and experience life, always see your detractors as the necessary evil you can’t avoid on your way to success.
Henry Ukazu writes from New York. He works with the New York City Department of Correction as the Legal Coordinator. He’s the founder of Gloemi. He’s a Transformative Human Capacity and Mindset coach. He is also a public speaker, youth advocate, creative writer and author of Design Your Destiny Design Your and Unleash Your Destiny . He can be reached via info@gloemi.com
